Hold On

 

So how does one even begin a letter to a rock? I suppose with hello…
I’m not quite sure what I’m doing, it feels as absurd as it sounds and, I’m positive my words are unfit to bear this weight. My God, I don’t recall ever being this far from sanity.
Our story begins the morning after a wild night. What contrast you meet, from being the life of the party to waking up dead. I went on a walk by myself to get some mental space.

“We’re alive! There’s reason to celebrate!” all the justifications from the night ring through my already ringing ears. Somehow the illusions always vanishes by the morning, and all is exposed by daylight. When did partying become such a euphemism for punishment?
And then I stumbled upon you on the road. It wasn’t love at first sight, having always been allured by glamor and shine. You were in no particular way special, yet you managed to maintain confident beauty. Like “the girl next door”. Pardon my vanity, but it’s something I could relate to. As soon as I picked you up I felt that feeling of timelessness, those moments of forever. How you gave my hands purpose! This life thing so often leaves me beguiled, but these were times of certainty. I was sure in that moment that letting you go was neither open to me nor safe for me. Imagine my bewilderment, these thoughts coming from a girl who had lost her faith. Naturally my body protested, but your silence was too strong. You told me that if I could just hold on….you would bring me life.

I showed you to my friends and they said they were happy that I found you. But no real truth is said through timid lips and averting eyes. I know better than that. I mean, who could blame them? After all you are just a rock. Our world is one who cares only for diamonds and gold, the sparkle and the glow. I don’t care, because you are MY precious stone. I know deep down they’re all in search of something like you. Look at all the lonely people searching for something real to hold.

I still don’t know who found who, but we’re together. Hallelujah and Amen.
Up until I met you my life was an air conditioned ride through the city, cold within and without. The wind is so powerful but so subtle, and you push my humble sail boat further than my greatest efforts with oars. Nothing. Else. Matters. I can’t tell you how many times I said I don’t care before. Maybe I didn’t then. I know that if you were ever to crumble to dust, it would break my heart. I pray you never fade away. I know that at any moment I could no longer have you to hold, and this impermanence empowers me.
I’ve forgotten yesterday already, the night and the false felicity. I can’t help but feeling that this time is different.
I’ve come across so many things before on this road, and tried to hold on to them. And all fell from my grasp. Still, after finding you I wandered, but I wasn’t lost in the same sense. My walk carries now all the confident air of footsteps with purpose. Surely now I am alive.

Some days you are heavy to hold. Some days my grip needs rest. I’ll even admit sometimes I’ve considered throwing you away like my friends might have. But then I look down and it’s just me and you and… if I could just hold on.
I find myself in tears, not because nothing this good lasts forever, or because I’m distancing myself from other people. Nothing has ever felt this right or looked so beautiful, and I’ve wasted so many smiles. Without you I was naked, I see that now. I spent so much to decorate myself with clothing and all was transparent. Beatitude is within my grasp and my skin is aflame with every caress. To hold you is to touch the places I could never reach.
Since I met you I’ve lived as spirit. Not confined to this flesh, no cracked skin, no scars. Oh sweet deliverance for my thirsting soul.
To spread my wings and plummet off the cliff into obscurity is such a leap. But good Lord the view. I feel so strong in flight. I’m rambling on. I… just the ways you make me feel…
, I’m alive, I’m alive, and I’m alive.

Yours Truly,
Julie.

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